Chloë webster



Artist Statement



A Curious Limb

Props 4 a Show


Peep Show


No One Can Die in Disneyland


Speculation's a Fine Thing


Electro Deflecto


Cruisin' for a Bruisin' + Booty Call




Where Did All the Good Men Go?


Tweetie Pie











Writing for an animation in a digitally printed booklet






I’m laughing at this man’s joke

Even I am not sure if it is a real laugh or a really really good fake laugh but it sounds very convincing

I have just drunk a rather large glass of wine in the space of time it took for him answer my question

I can’t remember if that was long or short but it definitely needed the wine

In this time he has revealed some things of interest

In my mind anyway

And I have used these things to analyse this man and inform a diagnosis I am forming in my head

He has not asked for the diagnosis

I will take it upon myself to diagnose him most thoroughly while I drink more of this Ribena wine

I have not decided yet whether I will give him his diagnosis or keep this highly prized information to myself

Now his face is doing that thing which makes me want to cut his head off with a sword

Or maybe just punch him quite hard maybe

His tiny squinty eyes are shifting from side to side like they are dancing

But they are not dancing well, no they are probably at their prom

And their legs are too long to control so they are loose and wild

But not loose and wild in a rock n roll Lou Reed post velvet underground kind of way, they are the limb equivalent of a potato trying to wear a sock without becoming a weapon

The potato has been upset about this predicament for a while now and does not know how to resolve it

His potato eyes are making me nervous and now this annoys me a lot

I am going to put my sunglasses on so he cannot even a little bit detect the rage which is definitely playing out in my own eyes like an uncontrollable fire

Having said this

I did test my eyes in the mirror last night

I did anger

And sadness

And even guilt

And I couldn’t really see much difference

So maybe he cannot either

Either way I think the sunglasses are adding my demeanour of aloofness which is really working for me at the moment

I will continue to wear them

Besides I can’t exactly take them off straight away that would be insane

I would look like I didn’t know what I was doing or what I wanted at all and that’s just not true

Also this way I can watch the floater in my eye in peace

Underneath these glasses I am cross eyed but I am getting a great sense of power in knowing that I am the only one privy to this

My floater is growing

Every time I look at him he moves away

Maybe he’s embarrassed or just feels uncomfortable under such a seductive gaze

I can’t be sure

I wonder if I am getting attached to it and that is why I am yet to visit specsavers for my free eye test because I am worried they will see him and think his shyness is actually a result of negligence and they will take him away as if I am ill-equipped to care for him

But this is just not true!

I check on him every day and even give my eyes a good deep rubbing every now and then to ensure he is as big as he needs to be

I do have my suspicions though

Last night I tried to look through my left eye in the dark and I could not see a thing


Not even the faintest silhouette or glimmer

I think he is slowly eating my eyes and I will surely go blind at some point this year or maybe next

And then I will need to wear sunglasses all the time

But I won’t be able to take them off and make a fierce look at someone when I decide they can move past my aloofness phase into the seduction phase

And if I can’t take them off I will probably never attract another human again

And then what

I will be left alone in the dark with nothing but my own stupid voice

And I will most definitely lose my mind

And they will take my real not yet existent children away for negligence

And I will lose it all

And I won’t even be able to see a film to make me feel less like I want to die

Because I can’t see, remember

And then it will all be over and I will just have to listen to whatever the radio plays

And I won’t be able to change the station so it will probably be the default which in my house is 5 Live for some reason

And I will have to live the rest of my dying days listening to old men scream about different shaped balls

But actually it probably won’t really matter because the world is going to end before they take away my floater


He’s taken off my sunglasses and now he can see my cross eyes

The game is up, friends

This is when I pretend I have to pick up my dog from his colonic and leave with my cross eyes because my aloofness has been brutally taken from me and I have not got another tactic for seduction so this will probably be easier for everyone at the pub if I can avoid having a panic attack in the wake of such loss of control.